keep on keepin' on

"For this reason I remind you to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord or of me His prisoner, but join with me in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity, but now has been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which I was appointed a preacher and an apostle and a teacher. For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day." (2 Timothy 1:6-12, NASB).

So, Valentine's Day has come and gone. To be honest, it sucked. It really did.

It is not my choice to be alone in life. Alone in my kitchen. Alone in my garden. Alone in life. Yes, I have sisters and a mom and three precious nieces. But I have never been wanted or loved, truly loved, by a man outside of my own daddy. I often get a sense that almost everyone in my life is associated with me for what they get from me...homeschool help, a love of learning, bookishness, diet advise, an encouraging word or smile or text in due moments. I know that these doubts come from one source, the source of all evil. I have been content in life for many years now, but I have endured a thread of discontentment for just as long. I have always wanted to be loved and adored, appreciated and honored as wife by a good and godly man. And those feelings never have gone away.

I know that I do NOT have the gift of celibacy, of being unmarried. I want that. It's near the top of my "life to be lived" list. But God knows, I don't want it a day earlier than is His perfect will for me, lest I have the desires if my heart with leanness in my soul.

These verse spoke to me this afternoon. Mom shared them with me, in an attempt to cheer me up. They are meaningful in many areas. Verse 7 is one of my top five favorite verses in the Scriptures, one that I quote often to remind myself and others of our spiritual authority and destiny. Verse 8 is where the "fresh manna" begins, the part about suffering for the Gospel, having a holy calling according to God's own purpose and grace, appointed to be a preacher and teacher. He is able to keep what I entrust to Him. And what do I entrust to Him? That is the area if faith that I seem to be coming back to over and over.

I know that suffering come in all shapes and sizes. I have offered many a shoulder to a grieving friend or an overburdened mama or former student whose dreams are screwed up and dashed. My suffering just happens to be my singleness, my aloneness. And I will get through it. I have survived victoriously so far for 38 years and will continue to do so for as many more years as God seems fit.

My "zealous witness, devoted prayer life, relentless bible study, good works, holy living, and love for others" should put me on hell's most wanted hate list, according to Leonard Ravenhill. This must make me a target for the devil's onslaught of doubt and discouragement, and I renounce and rebuke him in Jesus' name. For now, I need to say, "Soul, hope in God, for I will yet praise Him!" 

it's the 1st!

How do I express the gratefulness that I feel adequately for 2013? Yahweh has done great things in my life, and I am glad! This has been quite a year to remember, and 2014 promises to be even better.

 Here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2014:
1) Continue the THM journey and lose more pounds, on my way to a healthy life and body

2) Start T-Tapp, adding it into my regular lifestyle routines

3) Complete another round of Wellspring Ministry's "I Found Freedom" (Bibical Foundations of Freedom) workshops/studies

4) Read Eric Metaxas' tome, Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy

5) Finish reading Randy Alcorn's book Heaven

6) Plant both spring/summer and fall/winter gardens

7) Get some much-needed repairs and painting done on/in the family house and property

8) Listen to one online sermon per week

9) Read the Bible through this year, at least once


~To know Him, and make Him known!

2013 Reminisces, Part 1

It's been a while since I have blogged. A long while. My hiatus can be explained by a determination in late 2012 to spend more time in the Divine Word and less time spinning words of my own.

In the spirit of thinking about the old year disappearing and the new year coming up, I am setting some new goals for 2014. One of those is to begin blogging again, at least one post per month. So that may mean twelve posts, or perhaps more. Who knows...2014 awaits!

Looking back on 2013 over the next several days, I intend to list the adventures that we had, the pain that enlarged in our hearts, and the healing that took place.

Reading  for the Year
I read quite a few online articles coming form a wide variety of sources. I especially enjoyed some brilliant repartee in the form of a theological battle between two current Church leaders over the Charismatic movement in the US. Dr. Michal Brown waxed eloquent and pontificated a rebuttal to John MacArthur's denouncement of the movement and its contributions as a whole: Authentic Fire vs. Strange Fire: It's Not About Winning an Argument

I learned more than I ever had before about the baptism of the Holy Spirit while doing research for a Bible class. And this article by Bill Hamon further explained some things that Derek Prince's informative book did not: Why Speaking in Tongues Matters

The books I read and enjoyed mostly included books required for uni research. This summer I read Brennan Manning's The Furious Longing of God. Intense stuff right there.

And then came Trim Healthy Mama. I bought that book in February at a Nancy Campbell Above Rubies ladies retreat but didn't start reading it until July. Six hundred pages of scientific diet advice and recipes. God immediately started dealing with an area of sin that has largely been unaddressed for many years in my life: gluttony. It's been a lifechanging journey so far, and I have documented it in pictures on Facebook along the way. Since August I have lost thirty-five pounds; thank You, Jesus!

To be continued... ;-)

purposeful suffering

Suffering is a topic that I don't blog about often, yet recently it has been my constant companion.

I have just read Ann Voskamps' Because We All Have These Days When We're Just Hanging on by a String. I have just passed through a time of pain, of soul-searching and sadness. I dug deep in the Word, the life-giving Logos from my Father. I meditated on His promises and lifted my eyes from the very-present trouble in my life onto the hope that He provides believers. For if I am to believe, I must trust. Ann says about a friend:

"She knows there's no lone victors and every conqueror always has a team, so she reaches out to me last week. Tells me with she’s on the front lines and the negative thoughts are shelling her hard and she’s trying to hold the enemy back with the Word because the only way to ever gain ground is to get deeper into God."

I can identify with this sentiment. I have reached out to my sister Tricia to help me, to pray for me and to hold me up. It does me a world of good to know that she has my spiritual back. And my God-fearing Mama's prayers as well.

The pressure and pain of my life center around my life and family:

• the pain of watching someone I love disobey the Lord, and my knowledge of the ongoing curse of consequences
• the pain of having a beloved family member cut off by divorce
• the pain of a brother not walking with God, purposely running away
• the pain of not having any help with household repairs and remodeling
• the pain of daily existence with overwhelming stress
• the pain of feeling inadequate
• the pain of Tricia's debilitating MS
• the pain of Mom's elderliness and frailty
• the pain of my unmarried state
• the pain of the depraved state of our culture
• the pain of feeling I am shouldering my burdens alone

Tricia and I were speaking the other day about being childless. I think that even if I never birth children of my own, I have had spiritual children to pass through my life at different times for over 20 years now, children and young people whom I have invested in, mentored, discipled, and loved. In my finite human mind, they do not seem enough. But if they are all that I will ever have, then our omniscient God deems them enough.

Psalm 25:18 says, "Look on my affliction and my pain and forgive all my sins." I have said this. I recognize His wisdom. I know that my pain is nothing compared to what Jesus in His earthly life and the saints have suffered, so I try to keep what I am going through in perspective. Yet, "Jesus endured the suffering of the cross because of the joy that was set before Him" (Hebrews 12:2). So I MUST look forward to the hope and joy of the end results of it all in my spiritual life.

"Thy Word is a lamp to my feet., and a light unto my path."
Shedding light in my darkness and discouragement
Shedding light on my sins and fears
Shedding light on the truth and real-ness of God in times of pain and need

I am gaining ground and getting deeper.
I want to be Cross-eyed, to be able to understand the purposeful suffering I endure.
I still expect miracles and showdowns.

And God will win in the end!

september

Before September is properly passed, I want to record my favorite month of the year here. This September found my dependence on the Lord depended. In general, I do not become overwhelmed easily. But the stressors of this month, along with the passing of another birthday, found my spirit sagging close to depression. Thankfully, the Lord heard my cries for help and has delivered me. I echo St. Augustine's thoughts:

"Sometimes we do not merit seeing God in a difficult occasion, because we have not cultivated grace in our inner man. We have not sought God in order to grow in grace. That is to say, we do not merit the honor of being set by God in difficult circumstances- situations in which He wants to be made known- because we have not grown in our ability to see Him in our inner man." -St. Augustine, in On Seeing God

In my uni studies, I have studied recently about "Sabbatical living," a concept largely lost on Western culture, but not obscure to me. Since I was a child, we have observed a weekly rest day, free from the demands of life and the busyness of work. As of late, I have determined that I need to take it more seriously, especially since I have been relegating household chores and housework to this day. I reason that I have no other day to get it accomplished, but I have been robbing myself of resting and replenishing. Hense my stress levels pushing me to depression.

Several hours of meditation and memorizing Scripture (I am curently pegging away at Psalm 91), prayer, and reading meaningful books do wonders to my spirit and soul.

I do not realize that when I neglect it, my spirit starts to wither, and I try to re-coup its loss by being busier than I need to be. My heavier burdens are family duties, spiritual burden of family members who purposely live in opposition to the Lord, household needs that are not met adequately, repairs and remodels that additional money and hard-working men are needed for, future unknowns, the pressure of uni classes added to my already high-octane life...these are my issues.

I have missed a wedding this month. I found out that the groom, who I know, has been sinning against God and his wife, who I do not know. It pains me to see him sully her life with his, so I could not, in clear conscience before God, witness those vows.

I have celebrated new life at a baby shower for a former student and secretary (Sarah), who looks forward to welcoming a precious baby girl (Sophia) into her family. I wanted to get her something really nice, something to treasure and keep, so I finally settled on the Spring Portrait Huggable Huggums Madame Alexander baby doll at Let's Play.

I have spent some time in my garden, which has needed some TLC for some time now. Weeding is the name of the game. yesterday, I spent several hours weeding and have a HUGE 3-foot pile to show for it. Now to inaugurate my burn barrel to dispose of them. I am sporting under a dozen ant bites on my hands and arms to show for my labors. I have spent too much $ on ant-killer this year; I think they move from place to place in the yard, instead of dying like they are supposed to!

I purchased three bargain Christian Regency era novels at Lifeway on the day that Mama bought me a large print New Living Translation Life Application Study Bible for my birthday. What a Bible! So far, Tricia and Mom have been enjoying the books (Linore Rose Burkard's The Country House Courtship, and . ;-)

My birthday was spent in Foley with a day of shopping. At first, on our drive out, I thought it was going to be a disaster (Mom was in a mood), but it ironed out (I prayed very hard!), and I had an enjoyable day overall. Fresh Produce had just received a new shipment of dresses and shirts (it's been a long while since they have had anything that fit me). I was blessed with a nice 20% discount, so I bought the girls two sweet blue sundresses. I enjoyed Kitchen Connection as well, getting myself some needed kitchen things (and some foofoo items as well)! Sarah met up with us for a late lunch at Lambert's (enjoy those "throwed rolls"). Delicious food! I spent the next hour browsing in Old Time Pottery. I didn't find much to buy (I was looking for a mercury glass vase or container to add to my dresser collection), but I did get the baking pan that I needed. And then we headed home.

Tricia went out of her way to make my birthday weekend special, and I appreciate and love her for it (and also for being an all-around awesome best friend/sister)! We had a delicious coffee and breakfast biscuit the next morning and spent the day at home and visiting Cori and precious nieces that I love so dearly! That night was the "family birthday dinner" at Carrabbas. Brother paid for my dinner, but spent the evening baiting Mom. It was not enjoyable at all, and in the end I wish I hadn't planned it. We ended the night picking up Krispy Kreme donuts to enjoy over the weekend. Yum!

I am loving my Keurig!!! It was my birthday gift to myself (we don't exchange gifts as a family anymore), and I have been especially enjoying the macadamia flavored coffee. There are so many flavors to explore; I have already found some that I don't like, but more that I do. :-)

Last weekend, I finally was able to store the last of the Christmas storage bins away, as well as clean up and de-clutter the house (living/dining rooms, laundry room). Today I hope to vacuum the main living area, tackle the girls' playroom, and clean out the fridge. In addition to resting, of course! ;-)

eucharisteo

Life-filling gratitude...

154. Grand and wonderful reading for this new class

155. A sausage gravy and biscuit breakfast, bought for me by my BFIL

156. Nightsounds radio program by Bill Pierce on WEGS

157. The blessedness of freedom to vote for our country's leaders

158. The power of prayer

159. The mandate to "confront the powers of darkness fearlessly, with HIS authority" (D. Wilkerson)

Curious Meg, what big ears you have!

160. Dog being let out on accident, being found by HIS purpose

161. Rainy bands from the outskirts of Hurricane Isaac, and no more

162. Productive days at the school office

163. Finding what was lost

164. The smell of clean laundry (and having it to wear!)

165. Milk!

166. The robust political stimulation of the RNC in Tampa this week

167. Peace that passes all understanding

168. A lifetime of trust in a sovereign and loving God

169. Parents that educated us in the history of Christianity

170. A PLACE is being prepared for me in GLORY!


"Give thanks to the Lord! His Love Endures Forever!"

in deep

I sense, as I delve into my assigned reading for this class, that I am getting "in deep." This class is Regent's Making of the Christian Mind. And I am LOVING IT!!!

Before I get too many weeks into my studies, I want to post some of the things I am marking and/or highlighting in the many texts, papers, and articles I am required to read.

I counted, and this week alone I have almost 200 pages to read, plus 3 essays to write and a quiz to study for!!! Anyway, the workload is heavy, but so is the enrichment of my theology and spiritual life! :-)

My favorite so far has been Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.'s (cool name, huh?!?) book Engaging God's World. Plantinga served for a time as president at Calvin Theological Seminary, a Reformed bastion. He starts out the book with a dedication to Chuck Colson, one of my Dad's most beloved modern writers and apologists. I liked it already! ;-)

"Cool Quotes" from this book...

"The Holy Spirit authors all truth." (Calvin) Pg. x

"Well-instructed Christians try not to offend the Holy Spirit by scorning truth in non-Christian authors over whom the Holy Spirit has been brooding, but this does not mean that Christians can afford to read these authors uncritically (Calvin, in his Institutes). After all, a person's faith, even in idols, shapes most of what a person thinks and writes, and the Christian faith is in competition with other faiths for human hearts and minds." Pg. x

"Thoughtful Christians know that if we obey the Bible's great commandment to love God with our whole mind, as well as with everything else, then we will study the splendor of God's creation in the hope of grasping part of the ingenuity and grace that form it. One way to love God is to know and love God's work. Learning is therefore a spiritual calling; properly done, it attaches us to God. In addition, the learned person has, so to speak, more to be Christian with." Pg. xi

"Getting educated is an excellent way to prepare for service in the kingdom of God. It's not the only way, but it is an excellent way." Pg. xii

"Educated Christians therefore need to 'know their Bible' in order to lead a life that fits in with the purposes of God." Pg. xii

"Shalom- restoration of peace, justice, and harmony,; the coming of the kingdom." Pg. xii

"There is not a square inch on the whole plain of human existence over which Christ, who is Lord over all, does not proclaim: 'This is Mine!'" (Kuyper), Pg. xiii

"A holy life means a whole life." Pg. xiv

"Only the Holy Spirit can start Pentecost. On the Holy Spirit can blow across your bow (as in ship bow) strongly enough to turn you around for good, but your (Christian) college can help you hoist your sails." Pg. xvi

"Our final joy lies 'beyond the walls of the world.' (Tolkien)
Ultimate beauty comes not from a lover or a landscape or a home, but only through them. (C. S. Lewis) Pg 6

"Our 'inconsolable secret' is that we are full of yearnings, sometimes shy and sometimes passionate, that point us beyond the things of earth to the ultimate reality of God (Lewis, Weight of Glory) Pg 7

"Genuine hope always combines imagination, faith, and desire." Pg. 8

"Without the lens of Scripture to correct and enlarge our vision, we see the world with self-referential bias." Pg 10

"But the person who keeps her head up so that she can lookout toward the future of others- this is a person with some range to her hope. This is a person who has been enlarged by the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:17)." Pg 12

"Without costly action, hope can soften into sentimentality. With costly action, hope may harden into reality." Pg. 14