keep on keepin' on

"For this reason I remind you to kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord or of me His prisoner, but join with me in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity, but now has been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which I was appointed a preacher and an apostle and a teacher. For this reason I also suffer these things, but I am not ashamed; for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day." (2 Timothy 1:6-12, NASB).

So, Valentine's Day has come and gone. To be honest, it sucked. It really did.

It is not my choice to be alone in life. Alone in my kitchen. Alone in my garden. Alone in life. Yes, I have sisters and a mom and three precious nieces. But I have never been wanted or loved, truly loved, by a man outside of my own daddy. I often get a sense that almost everyone in my life is associated with me for what they get from me...homeschool help, a love of learning, bookishness, diet advise, an encouraging word or smile or text in due moments. I know that these doubts come from one source, the source of all evil. I have been content in life for many years now, but I have endured a thread of discontentment for just as long. I have always wanted to be loved and adored, appreciated and honored as wife by a good and godly man. And those feelings never have gone away.

I know that I do NOT have the gift of celibacy, of being unmarried. I want that. It's near the top of my "life to be lived" list. But God knows, I don't want it a day earlier than is His perfect will for me, lest I have the desires if my heart with leanness in my soul.

These verse spoke to me this afternoon. Mom shared them with me, in an attempt to cheer me up. They are meaningful in many areas. Verse 7 is one of my top five favorite verses in the Scriptures, one that I quote often to remind myself and others of our spiritual authority and destiny. Verse 8 is where the "fresh manna" begins, the part about suffering for the Gospel, having a holy calling according to God's own purpose and grace, appointed to be a preacher and teacher. He is able to keep what I entrust to Him. And what do I entrust to Him? That is the area if faith that I seem to be coming back to over and over.

I know that suffering come in all shapes and sizes. I have offered many a shoulder to a grieving friend or an overburdened mama or former student whose dreams are screwed up and dashed. My suffering just happens to be my singleness, my aloneness. And I will get through it. I have survived victoriously so far for 38 years and will continue to do so for as many more years as God seems fit.

My "zealous witness, devoted prayer life, relentless bible study, good works, holy living, and love for others" should put me on hell's most wanted hate list, according to Leonard Ravenhill. This must make me a target for the devil's onslaught of doubt and discouragement, and I renounce and rebuke him in Jesus' name. For now, I need to say, "Soul, hope in God, for I will yet praise Him!"