Sunday, June 13, 2010

Bright Star

We watched Bright Star last night, the poignant story of John Keats' ill-fated romance with Fanny Brawne. It was so sweet; I cried several times. There were, as usual, several things that I did not like, but overall it was a lovely romantic tale. Tricia looked up the real story between them, and the movie was mostly true. The love scenes were weirdly intense, almost too much for me. Especially since Fanny was so young, I guess it seemed so out-of-touch with my "prime-of-life-singlesness". Still, I think that I'll add it to my list of favorite movies.

Just spent an hour or so reading the new courtship stories on YLCF. Some of the girls are so young, 17-20 yo! I think there were two running themes linking all the stories that I read: they met through friends or college or ministry. I think back over the last fifteen years of my life (my "marriageable" years), especially about my church involvement and social interaction. I was at ITC for a year and ATI for almost 12. Liberty for 5 years, Innercity Ministries for 8 months, Charity Chapel for two years, Campus Church for two,  and Hearts Ablaze at BAG for over 5 years. There was ample opportunity to be "found." I have often wondered why not.

Recently, I have not been going anywhere regularly. I keep myself spiritually fellowshiped, certainly, but I miss worshiping corporately. I stay so busy with running the school and ministering to my students that I have no energy for socialization outside of that. When I have tried to be social, I just end up feeling out of place (I am ALWAYS older than everyone else) and awkward. I have just grown tired of putting myself out there, to be honest. Last month I terminated my eHarmony sub; after 4 years and very few quality matches, none of the guys that I was interested in responded to communication requests. So now I need that $ to help pay for our pool to be serviced.

Priority shifts always disturb me. I feel as I near my 35th birthday, I am nearing another change point. I just don't know what it is yet. There are NO prospects at the moment. I always find out that the guys I am interested in have been married before or have enough baggage to drowned them. No thanks!

Sara Beth Gygax, one of my babies that Tricia and I nannied for back when I was in high school, just announced that she is dating/courting a lifelong family friend, and I think Bob & Ben are as well. They were like my little siblings...we babysat them! It is strangely normal.

And yet, I am hopeful for my own marital state, even though I have no prospects! It will have to be a miracle at this point for me to meet someone. But I know that I am fulfilling 1 Cor. 7:34, "The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” I AM dedicated to the things of the Lord, being faithful, sharing the Gospel and ministering His truth and love to my students and family. Mom just shared with me this morning how much she loves me, and what a blessing I have been to her and Daddy in fulfillment of their rhema over my birth/life, Prov. 10:22, "It is the blessing of the LORD that makes rich, And He adds no sorrow to it." That they never had to worry about me spiritually and that she appreciates my love for the Lord. It meant a lot to hear her say it! :-)

Proverbs 18:22 has come to my attention recently; "He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD." I want to be "found" soon! SCC's old song comes to mind..."His strength in us begins, Where ours comes to an end."

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